[ti]Ep 3[/ti]Off The Beaten Path [Closed]

[Optimus Prime]

Episode 3 | Week 1 | Day 3

Avoidance.

Distance.

It was no secret that Bumblebee was trying to not cross his path.

Optimus was not blind to this change in routine, yet he simply could not blame it. Illness, a disease... it had consumed the mind of their Scout and made him lash out in ways he would ordinarily never dream of doing. Blind rage, seething anger, the sole drive to cause pain against others no matter what the odds seemed... In the incident Bumblebee had shot him, a blow that ordinarily could be brushed aside, however, low fuel and starvation mixed with the pure shock of the event had thrown him off...

Since that day they had not particularly spoken much. Optimus was present when he was brought back online after a cure was administered, but not much was said. The event skirted along a medical path alone as Ratchet tended to what lingering effects may remain. Optimus had felt like nothing more than a mere observer to make certain things did not go astray. To contain Bumblebee should he go 'feral' once more.

He should have tried harder to assure him things were ok.

He should have reached out to help him recover more than he did.

The aftermath was not particularly great. Progress was being made, hearing that he and Rafael got to hang out a bit after far too long of separation, how he would go to the city to pick up the children on occasion, though said progress could have been more. Optimus kept a silent eye upon things as best he could while thinking over words that had been spoken to him not long previously.

"He’s been slinking about Omega like a ghost. I think the best thing for him is to get him back into his previous roles, so he can see he’s contributing again-"

That is, until Bumblebee left the Outpost on his own.

------

Rough grit and sand, shambled brush and yellowed grasses. Nevada had a rather simplistic color scheme of reds and golds, the foliage far recognizable, the sky ever bright and full of thin dusted clouds. This particular patch of land was even more remote than the norm, a long swath of mostly flat ground that stretched on for what appeared to be miles. Omega One was well out of sight, many miles from humanity, and yet there was a streak of cleared ground.

A lack of stones, a sort of vacant trail that scorched through the area in long bends and swoops... Its outer edges had a sort of line of stone almost implying a road, and yet dry shrubbery had started to overtake, wind and rain roughing the edges that remained. It was at the border of one of these overcome trails that Optimus stood, cyan eyes settled calmly upon the figure that was kneeling down across the way working with chunks of wood from dead trees.

The Prime had followed Bumblebee out to this remote patch of land. Not one to be stealthy, not particularly CAPABLE of it given his frame, and yet... it appeared their scout had been truly lost in his mind to have not noticed his approach. This was worrisome to some degree, and yet, such fears were bled aside to focus on the situation at hand.

Shifting his weight some, Optimus adjusted his stance to a more comfortable position, arms hanging down at his sides while solemnly looking out upon his Scout. Knowing his presence alone would be a surprise, he opted to speak ahead of time rather than wait. The last thing he needed was for Bumblebee to turn and be startled by his presence enough to fire another shot.

"I see you have constructed a track."

Projected words, Optimus did not have to particularly TRY to be heard across a distance even if it was notable, his voice simply holding a sort of strength that carried it with clarity and an edge of power. This power could not however be fully removed despite the situation, it almost ingrained into his being, though he certainly tried to subdue it, to not unintentionally imply Bumblebee was in trouble. Whatever the case, whether it was in a rally in olden days calling for equality, or upon the battlefield, his voice tended to carry well.

"How long has this been constructed?"

He watched Bumblebee carefully.

[Bumblebee]

Bumblebee hummed to himself. He’d arrived moments earlier at the hidden area that he’d claimed for himself - shifted forms and made a beeline for the pile of wood that he’d been gathering over time to start working on something.

Once upon a time, this area was in its prime and he was so proud of it, even if he hadn’t gotten to show it to many others. There’d been a fully functioning racetrack complete with stone markers laid out neatly for a start and finish line, there were targets used for combat practice - he’d never shoot them of course, not wanting a human or someone else to overhear, but, hand to hand combat? The wood was perfect and he’d taken down many a mighty foe!

Now, though? It’d degraded and was barely recognizable as anything of importance. Worn away to the point it looked like the rest of the surrounding area. Where there was once a track, there were dry shrubs that’d blown in with one of the many dust storms. The stones that’d been so delicately placed many, many months ago had been scattered, and the targets that Bumblebee hadn’t taken out with his fists had crumbled, breaking up in the wind and their splintered pieces dispersed amongst the sands.

It’d been a long time since Bumblebee had really visited this place and actually used it for its intended purpose. The last time he could recall was with Jazz, but things had been so hectic and busy ever since, that he’d never gotten a chance to come out here again. The buddy system had been put into place, and he never wanted to bother anyone, nor risk sneaking out on his own.

But things at the Omega Base weren’t good right now. Bumblebee had found himself in a weird headspace, not wanting to interact or go out of his way to talk to anyone. Even though everyone insisted that what happened was not his fault, the guilt and remorse he felt over the entire thing were proving hard to shake. He didn’t want sympathy, to be coddled and for people to reinforce that he’d done nothing wrong- he'd heard that so many times and he didn’t want to talk about it. It was something he was trying to work through on his own, even if it wasn’t the healthiest of ways to go about it.

Which was what led him here.

Avoiding everyone at the Omega Base was proving to be exhausting at times. He helped where he could, with the raiding of the Decepticon Mine, the daily school run with Raf and doing monitor duty when needed, but other than that? His once familiar presence was scarce. But even he was growing bored of sitting around in his quarters reading comics that he’d read so many times he’d lost count, plus it wasn’t as much fun without Raf there to read with him.

So, it was time to start being productive again. Even on something small like this, it was a project - something to direct his focus on where he wouldn’t be bothered by those at the Omega Base. The buddy system had been lifted as long as individuals were careful and used common sense, and so he figured that this would be okay, it wasn’t too far from the Omega Base after all.

And as far as Bumblebee knew, he would be alone.

That was, until a familiar voice spoke up that made Bumblebee freeze in his movements, gripping the chunks of wood so tightly they splintered some in his squared off fingers, glancing over his shoulder to look at the Prime.

He hadn’t even heard Optimus making his way over, he’d been so focused- not even aware he’d been followed.

For an flicker of a moment, he thought he was in trouble. Something like this was probably against some sort of rule when they had a perfectly functioning training room downstairs in the base, but that moment of worry faded quickly as Optimus asked a question.

He’d turn fully, then - still holding the chunks of wood, optics audibly whirring as he thought of what to say. He knew that he and Optimus were so very overdue for a conversation- a proper one - but he was the last mech he wanted to face. There were only so many times he could say sorry for what he’d done, and even though the damage had long since been repaired, he still felt horrible. Plus with him going out of his way to avoid Optimus where he could? It was a little awkward... 

--Oh, hey, Optimus.-- his beeps may not have carried as well as the Prime’s voice, but they would be able to be heard.

--I’ve had this place for… man, I can’t even remember. A while, shortly after we set up in the Omega Base sometime. It’s a little run down, but I’m going to try and fix it up a bit.-- he gently bobbed his helm, shifting his weight a little, even if his frame was still overly tense.

[Optimus Prime]

The crackle of wood and startled response was not particularly unexpected, though it was sad to see how easily his Scout had been snuck up upon under given circumstances. Truly lost, truly trapped within his Processor so very much that even Optimus with all of his lack of stealth capabilities could catch him unaware... It was so unlike the Bumblebee he knew, and it was troubling. This disconcerting feeling was not just because of the disconnect from who the yellow mech normally was however, but also due to the fact if he had been a real threat of Decepticon or MECH, that he could be grievously injured by this point.

Bumblebee's response seemed normal on surface value, conversational, calm. He simply flowed into the situation seamlessly without trying to bring attention to the fact he had been cornered in a way... however Optimus could see otherwise. He could see the tension, the way he moved with a bit of nervous energy. Even the fact he had not addressed how he was caught unaware could almost be seen as avoidant. That said Optimus wasn't about to corner further, taking the other mech's lead in topic to ease into conversation.

"A task that may take some time."

Cyan optics flicked back down across the racetrack once more, making additional note with how disheveled everything had become. While to a Cybertronian clearing paths would not be as arduous as it may be for a human, it could still be time consuming, especially if the nicer edging of stones were to be re-formed and cleaned up. Optimus' gaze shifted across this landscape a moment, flicking for a brief glimmer up towards the distant horizon line and jagged mountains, before looking back over at Bumblebee.

"Have you brought Rafael out here?"

Optimus was not the most graceful in social conversation. It felt stilted in a way, more awkward and forced, but he tried, knowing he couldn’t bludgeon onward to eventual goals with this discussion. He couldn’t just brush the more casual topic aside and blindside Bumblebee with something new with reckless abandon. As such, he move onward despite his lack of skill in small talk, trying to get more information without being pushy. Or so was his attempt.

[Bumblebee]

Bumblebee was trying to work out what Optimus wanted without actually asking him outright. He’d obviously come here for a reason, and while he had a good feeling it was about the events that happened months ago in the Control Room and Bee's actions since, it was a little strange that he’d waited until now to corner him about it. Even though the yellow Scout had been hiding away and keeping himself frustratingly distant from the rest of the team, it wasn’t like he hadn’t been around at all.

So that was where part of the nervousness came from. Had something happened to make Optimus seek him out and follow him here where he couldn’t hide? Did Optimus want to talk more about what happened? Or maybe it was something to do with the fact he’d been avoidant - but even then, it wasn’t like he’d been shirking his duties in favor of being antisocial.

Even despite his nervousness, he was trying to act normal. But there was a tension, and to one that knew him well - which Optimus did - it’d be obvious that he was uncomfortable.

--Ah, yeah. It’s been left like this for a while, never had a chance to keep up with looking after the place.--

Even though it hadn’t been far from the Omega Base at all, he wasn’t one for breaking rules. There’d been nothing stopping him ducking out for an hour or so each day to work on the track and keeping the area maintained, but it’d go against the buddy system, and the last thing he wanted to do was to get in trouble.

But with the system relaxed, and his need for space and something to focus on, it’d been a perfect time to come back here.

--Raf? No, I want to though! Maybe when it’s fixed up a bit. The only other person at base to see it is Jazz. Well, and you now.--

If the place had been worked on earlier, he could’ve brought Raf and Carbine here last night when they launched fireworks- but it hadn’t even crossed his processor. Not that he’d ever show it to anyone in this state anyway, though…

There was a gentle whir as his optics adjusted, looking over the area. He wished Optimus could’ve seen this place in its prime, when it was something to really be proud of. He’d made the track himself, and all the targets were built by him - some he’d added extra parts to, to give them extra armor as an added challenge to his spar, and the rocks had been found nearby in the desert and he’d put far more thought into their placement than he’d ever admit.

He knew Optimus wasn’t the best at conversation- even with Bee being the one to broach subjects in the past, he was very straightforward, never saying more than what was needed. Never really deviating from a topic unless it was necessary. He was used to it, which was why he didn’t really mind the slightly forced question.

Even though he didn’t want to talk to Optimus, he was here now- and the sooner they got whatever it was out the way, the easier it would be. Maybe. He’d lost count of the times he’d lay on his berth trying to recharge, thinking of things to say to Optimus, to apologize for what felt like the hundredth millionth time. Promising himself he’d talk to him the next day, only to chicken out and go into avoidance mode once more.

--Is everything okay at base?--

A question of his own, a sort of subtle poke as to why Optimus was here, without asking him directly.

[Optimus Prime]

"I understand."

Optimus could connect the dots why this area had fallen to the wayside. The Buddy System, while meant to help, seemed to cripple others. No moment to get breath alone, no moment to get peace and find some sort of rest away from the constant reminder of War. Even if the other individual was fun to be around, or whose company was enjoyed, there would always be that feeling that they HAD to attend, they HAD to be there, and that obligation could undoubtedly sour much. Resolve and moral had taken a bit of a hit; however such laws were cast to the sidelines now.

Which is why Bumblebee was suddenly free to come to his modest sanctuary.

The fact he had only shown this place to Jazz and not even Rafael spoke much. Optimus had a feeling Jazz had followed the scout out here, caught him off guard much like how Optimus was right here in this exact moment. To show another Autobot before showing his best friend? It seemed a bit farfetched no matter the individual. The friendship Bumblebee shared with Rafael was cherished, both eager to show off and share whatever new and cool things had happened or were found. From teaching about earth, or teaching about Cybertron, they worked well together.

This was meant to be an escape.

And he had intruded.

One good part in this however was the fact that Optimus would not be prone to returning here uninvited. This event was a solitary thing, meant to speak to the scout, meant to cross paths more so than to discover a new place to 'track him down'. After this day should he not be invited there was a fairly good chance he would not step foot again here unless absolutely necessary. Whatever the case, his helm lifted ever so slightly as Bumblebee shifted the topic, trying to redirect to what was going on.

"I could ask you the very same."

Optimus often would mull over others words a brief moment before replying, making certain what he was about to say was truly the best course of action. However, this particular statement was cast back without the briefest of pause. Sharply redirecting in a way that made part of why he was here abundantly clear.

At this, the Prime fell silent, calmly watching Bumblebee, gaze softer, not accusatory. He knew he was cornering him in a way, but he wanted to try to approach it carefully without a hint of aggression or annoyance.

[Bumblebee]

There was a gentle hum as Bee looked down to the pieces of now slightly-splintered wood in his servos. Silently questioning if it’d be rude of him to continue working, even with Optimus here. He had a feeling Optimus had come here for a reason, and while he was sure the Prime wouldn’t mind if Bee continued on with what he’d been doing prior to his arrival, he was wondering if he should.

There was so much work to be done before it’d be even close to how it once was. He didn’t mind that Optimus had followed him here- but he wished he’d gotten more done beforehand so it actually showed the effort and care he put in, as right now it was barren and not much to look at at all. Optics whirring quietly as he frowned just slightly, finding himself worrying that Optimus would judge the state of things, even if deep down he knew he wouldn’t at all.

Honestly he didn’t mind if others visited should they find out about this place - while they had a facility at the Omega Base for sparring, as well as the option to spar with each other? There really wasn’t anywhere they could really let loose and race. Well, aside from actual racing on the streets, but that wasn’t exactly allowed, and nobody wanted to deal with Fowler should he find out…

It may have been Bumblebee’s little ‘area’ but he hoped that with time, once it was finished, others could come here and enjoy it like he did. He wanted nothing more than to show Raf his hard work once it was complete, to be able to do some laps and show his best friend just how fast he could go when there weren’t speed limits and cameras to be aware of. After everything that’d happened, Raf deserved some actual fun. The fireworks last night had been a good start, and was part of what pushed Bee into working on the track again - that, and the sorely needed distraction from sulking around the base.

The response to his question came after a moment, and there was a gentle shift of his weight at what it was. He should’ve expected that, yet hadn’t really seen it coming. A redirect back onto Bumblebee, a gentle hint as to why Optimus was here.

He found himself quietly staring down at the pieces of wood, not really wanting to make optic contact with the Prime as he mulled over what to even say in response. Anyone who’d been paying even the slightest bit of attention had noticed that Bee’s presence around the Omega Base had been scarce, but most had left well enough alone, leaving him be and giving him space.

But he couldn’t avoid everyone forever.

A vent of an exhale escaped him, and his doorwings would sag ever so slightly as he finally looked up and across at Optimus.

--Ah, yeah. I mean, I’ve been thinking over some stuff for a while, I guess.--

There was no getting around it, no way to really deflect it back onto another subject. But now they were talking about it? He felt awkward and ashamed, not liking the attention on himself.

--We didn’t really talk much about what happened, huh?--

That was his fault. Optimus had been there when he’d first woken up, but there’d been so much confusion as Ratchet explained what’d gone on, that the opportunity to really sit down and talk with Optimus simply hadn’t happened.

He’d apologized for what he’d done, it was one of the first things he’d said upon waking - but yet the guilt had remained. It didn’t help that while Bee had been out, the Decepticons had attacked and destroyed Haven, so a lot of focus had understandably gone back to the war and the movements of their enemy.

They couldn’t dwell on past events when so many things were happening, yet Bee found himself clinging to them, hence his avoidance and seeming inability to seek Optimus out on his own and really talk about it.

Even despite the fact he’d practically been cornered, he was thankful that Optimus had finally approached.

[Optimus Prime]

Bumblebee's paranoia was unfounded. Optimus could see the effort put into things well, despite the fact it was overgrown and ravaged by the desert's monsoons and harsh climate over time. Even should he not see the splintered practice 'dummies' the mere fact a raceway was mapped out in stones was evidence enough of this truth. Because of this Optimus didn’t even so much as give it a questioning look, accepting it for what it was while being ignorant of his Scout's self conscious review of the area.

He was more focused on how Bumblebee would react to his statement.

Cyan optics settled down upon the mech from across the way, expression neutral, no furrow of his brows, or slight scowl at the corner of his lips. He merely waited, noting the soft glance down to the wood in the Scout's hands and the sag of his door wings. While most had given him space since the events, hoping he would bounce back, such things seemed ineffective, the issue needing to be approached head on. Optimus himself had been keen on letting Bumblebee recover in peace, however Ratchet opened his eyes to the folly of it.

"We did not."

Somber words. He had failed Bumblebee in that regard, translating what would work for him into what would work for the other individual. No two were exactly alike, and he should have woken up to the situation long before their CMO had to suggest it. With this, he would roll his weight some, shifting his mass upon his left leg, before easing into a slow walk.

"I believed distance would benefit, but now see the folly of my judgment."

His steps were composed, merely working on crossing the distance with no real rush to his stride. Grit and brittle shrubbery crackled beneath his mass with ease, overshadowed by the heavy double impact thrum of his footfalls.

"The air must be cleared. You must understand that none harbor ill feelings for what occurred."

Decisive. Not once had any individual pulled him aside to express uncomfortable concern over the Scout. No warning, no questioning if the disease was TRULY eradicated. No snitching tattles of any little 'clue' that was nonexistent and birthed of nothing but paranoia.

"Especially myself."

This was important, words a bit more forceful to impact it as FACT. Bumblebee could question, he could worry inside his processor, but it was all mulled of paranoia and nothing more. The Prime could simply do nothing than metaphorically slam his foot down and lay hard truths that he truly could never blame Bumblebee for what had occurred.

"Valued within our team, your standing far outweighs your self-imposed rank."

Optimus stopped his approach a short distance away. Keeping space, making sure there was adequate buffer so he did not tower over the smaller Cybertronian. This also assisted in the fact that he was no longer required to speak across a broader distance that could look apprehensive or anxious. He did not fear getting shot again, and didn't even let the unfounded concern find itself any footing.

"You needn't hide from your future, while dwelling on what had or had not occurred."

[Bumblebee]

Bumblebee would not move from where he stood as Optimus began making his way over, closing the gap between them. While he didn’t move, he would gently shift his weight some, easing from pede to pede a moment before he stood up a little straighter and at attention. It was out of habit more than anything, a show of respect to the Prime.

There was a quiet whir of his optics as they settled on Optimus, but he did not speak - letting the other mech talk first. This way he could mull over the words spoken. He’d played this conversation out over and over in his processor when trying to recharge, but now that it was finally happening? Of course it was absolutely different to how he thought it would go.

Deep down he knew Optimus was right. Nobody harbored ill feelings, nobody blamed him for what happened - people had given him distance because he had purposely pulled away and avoided interaction. He thought over time he’d get through it on his own, able to ease himself into the day to day life of Omega once more - but it hadn’t happened. The raiding of the Decepticon mine had gone well but other than that? He’d had a limited presence.

‘Especially myself.’

Bee’s frame would tense at those two words. Deep down, he knew that too. Optimus saw the good in absolutely everybody - they had an ex-Decepticon among their ranks now, for example. Yet while he may not harbor any sort of ire or even blame Bumblebee for what happened? Bee would continue to hold himself responsible.

He’d had time to dwell on it. Lots of time. While he couldn’t remember a whole lot of what happened, he remembered the anger that’d bubbled up towards Optimus especially. How he couldn’t stop himself from shooting at him without giving so much as a warning. If he’d had a heavier powered gun, or had managed to get a few more shots in before others intervened? Who even KNOWS what would’ve happened!

He’d never felt anger like that before in his life - not toward another Autobot, especially not Optimus who was his hero. Not after everything Optimus had done for him - and all of them. Yet he’d shot him first, and without remorse.

As Optimus stopped in his approach, Bumblebee would carefully ease down, setting the wood on the floor for the time being. Buying himself an extra second to think of how to even respond. He KNEW he shouldn’t feel guilty, that nobody blamed him, and yet he couldn’t help it.

As he stood up straight once more, he would vent out a long exhale, gathering his thoughts.

--I just- I feel so guilty. I should’ve realized that the anger wasn’t just because of the Energon shortage. I didn’t take my ration a few times, but I am sure others did too- and nobody else lashed out or got annoyed at simple things. I should’ve noticed. I should’ve realized.--

He shook his head, one arm lifting, servo moving to rub the back of his neck. Now he wasn’t holding the splintered wood he wasn’t quite sure what to do with himself.

--I let it get as bad as it did. The things I did, and said…-- his beeps trailed off, and he’d avert his gaze.

--Raf saw the whole thing. He can forgive me a million times, but he saw it.--

[Optimus Prime]

A more formal posture, a tense of the frame, a stalling motion to place the wood down... Optimus kept an eye on what words enacted what response out of Bumblebee, trying to read his body language as best as he could to help him navigate this potentially troubling discussion. There could be metaphorical land mines all over, things that could set Bumblebee down a deeper trail of duress. Because of this Optimus' sole attention was upon the Scout, which tactically wasn't the smartest given they were out in the open, however this was a specialized situation.

Silence.

Optimus listened as Bumblebee spoke. Not interjecting, not rushing in to comment and try to quell issues and concerns the moment they were brought to the surface. He wanted things to naturally be dumped out, and not bottled up any longer or unintentionally buried behind another discussion. It was only when the words of the other mech seemed to teeter off to a natural stall that Optimus took in a slow invent.

"Should Have. Could Have. May Have."

Somber words, followed shortly after by a low sift of air through his vents, almost a sigh of exhaustion as his own mind traveled back.

"Hindsight reveals much. There have been many judgments I made that were detrimental despite intention. Looking back, I know my mistakes, what I should have noticed or foreseen."

So many major choices, so many realizations when reviewing memories on events... From as recent as the Truce being a colossal failure, all the way back when he should have caught on to Megatronus' more self centered ambitions far sooner. Massive judgment calls had been made to send entire platoons into battle, only for something to cut in and unknowingly make it an order to slaughter.

"I do not share this to imply your worry is invalid. I do so to show you are not alone."

Optimus would look at another as being insincere should they not have their own stories of things that they wish they could have changed. Even the most mundane of lives before the war may have kindled a want to have 'never said that' or a wish to have 'not gone to that gathering'. The fact there was War in play now exacerbated the issue to entirely more detrimental and violent clashes.

"It is natural to wonder how life would be if you had made one different choice. However, foresight can only do so much when using experience as guidance."

Cyan optics flicked down then, glancing upon the wood branches and pieces that were discarded onto the ground earlier. He seemed to pause some when considering what to say regarding Rafael, knowing it was a rather unpleasant situation that needed to be handled with more care.

"You were created in this war. Death and brutality a background noise."

A blunt fact. Bumblebee never got to experience 'normality', only a twisted new form manifested by rebellion and a cry for equality.

"Most you have befriended have witnessed violence already. Rafael has not, and that may be why it unsettles you so."

Did Bumblebee look in Arcee's eyes and feel shame for her witnessing him kill a soldier? Did he shy away from using violence simply because Ratchet was watching? When everyone around has already committed atrocities of their own... experiencing such shame if it did hit can feel that much more... damaging...

"Rafael is a child, yet he will not be forever. He cannot be sheltered from reality."

Protect as they might, in the end the children were bound to witness death among the Autobots. Violence, choices made for War and not so much for betterment and kindness.... Yet, even should they cut off all ties and set them free, the world they lived in held its own monsters that kindle wars for their own reasons. The universe could be cruel, and it was here on Earth as well. As they grow more will be revealed.

Rafael just got a crash course in illness and large mistakes, yet was mature enough to try to look past them.

"Do not ignore his forgiveness and permit remorse to tarnish what you have."

[Bumblebee]

Only when Optimus began speaking did Bumblebee turn his attention back to him - if only for a second.

He didn’t look at his optics, the shame and guilt eating away at him to the point that he felt he couldn’t look at Optimus’ faceplate directly. Even though it’d been long since repaired and Bee couldn’t remember what the damage that he’d inflicted on the optic looked like, he couldn’t bring himself to look.

So, would avert his gaze once more. Content to stand and listen to the words, focusing on the ground as he mulled over the advice given, the words of wisdom that’d been honed over millennia, he was sure. Even though Optimus was never very wordy, he said so much with so little. The words made sense, and it was like he always knew exactly what to say.

But they didn’t really… help? Normally they did, but today... 

A gentle whir sounded as Bee’s optics narrowed into a soft frown. Optimus had made many mistakes in his life - they all had. For many of those mistakes, including some of his own, he was sure that the differences needed to stop things happening were subtle. But this-

He’d been so angry. Lashing out, punching walls. Getting upset with those who hadn’t even done anything wrong. The smallest of things had set him off, it wasn’t subtle. He should’ve noticed. Should’ve spoken to Ratchet. It hadn’t been a fast buildup of rage, it'd been drawn-out over what felt like weeks. Timed perfectly with the Energon shortage that’d dwindled further and further as time went on, a lot of the blame had been put on that. He’d been stressed, worried about the state of the Autobots, wanting to act out and raid a Decepticon mine just so they could keep going.

The Energon shortage had been bad, but nobody else had gotten angrier over everything else.

Nudging at the dirt with his pede, he would vent out a gentle sigh of an exhale.

--I think…--

He looked up then, wanting to look at Optimus as he spoke.

--I think the issue with Raf seeing is… not the violence. It’s- it’s more… that it came from me. If we were under attack by the Decepticons, it’d be bad, but that’s what is expected of them. They’re the bad guys. But this thing, me? I’m not supposed to do that. I wasn’t supposed to do that. The things I said- I tried to lure him out to distract everyone so I could hurt you more.--

He shook his helm, his free servo curling into a nervous fist, then relaxing. Those words would haunt him far longer than anything else. Raf was the last person in the world who deserved anything like that, and yet in that moment, Bee had tried to use him as a pawn to inflict more harm?

Best friends didn’t do that to each other!

--I’ve never been so angry in my life. Even after what Megatron did to me or after losing the majority of my squad, or even losing our home... I’ve never felt such anger, and it was all at you, at everyone who tried to stop me getting to you. I just.--

Glancing down at his pedes once more, and the scuff marks in the dirt he’d made. He would vent out another sigh, using that same pede to try and smooth over the soil and sand. His beeps quieter as he continued.

--I never thought I’d be capable of something like that. Even with the virus influencing me the way it was, I wish I was strong enough to stop myself. Hindsight would’ve helped, maybe I would’ve gone to Ratchet earlier about the anger but… I didn’t. I let it get to that point, that was on me.--

It was entirely preventable. This wasn’t just some thing that would’ve happened regardless- he knew he was angrier than normal, he knew deep down that something felt off. That’s where a lot of the guilt came from, he was realizing. That he could’ve stopped it before it got as bad as it did.

--I'm sorry.-- 

He'd said those two words so many times now they'd probably lost all meaning, but- he felt like he needed to say it again. 

[Optimus Prime]

Optimus watched carefully as Bumblebee's passivity seemed to change. Finding stability perhaps, or finding a launching point somewhere within his own words to bounce off upon. Whatever had changed was good however, to try to pull things out into the open so that they could be addressed. No longer being stifled under a suffocating veil.

Self loathing, self hate... It seemed that the action itself wasn’t so much the issue, as much as it was the fact it had come from Bumblebee himself. Likely the entire situation would be much different if it had been another of their team who took his place. The yellow Scout then encouraging in contrast, trying to assist and help them find balance once again, or other actions to bring them back to normality. Yet, because it was HIM, and that it was Rafael? Things were upon a different level that made logic's reach fall short.

"You needn't apologize, you were forgiven months ago."

No irritation. It did not matter that those two words had been uttered so many times to different individuals in the months that had passed. To some they may have lost meaning because of this, overused, abused, a placating gesture because more discussion was unable to be brought to the surface... but not to Optimus. They were true, from the spark, and he reassured such a fact before continuing to speak after a brief pause.

"What you must accept is that illness cares naught for your morals or virtues."

It was what it was. You could be the most devout of soldier trying to do good, responsive to change; mindful of what is going on within one's own frame... but in the end if it attacked the mind there was so little that could be done.

"It steals from you your body, your mind... or both in the process."

Optimus' voice did not raise, he did not fall back into the projected power that he so very easily could as Prime. However, there was newfound strength behind it. Some of the caring edge replaced by sternness that spoke of fact over coddling assurance.

"Strength is useless, mental fortitude can only do so much, and there is no weakness in succumbing to its influence."

The Cybonic Plague was evidence enough of this. It did not matter how resilient Optimus could be, how much pain and injury he could endure. The disease did not care he was mentally sharp and could stubbornly trudge onward through thick or thin. While perhaps he managed to grip onto reality and life a short moment longer than others, his own fortitude scrabbling at the shifting sands that offered very little leeway to climb out of the sinkhole he found himself within... In the end, he was going to perish should the cure have not been found and nothing would have changed that.

"With many diseases crafted during this war, falling beneath its power is inevitable."

A droned rumble, a somber edge as he thought back upon the plague. So many have died from such things, and while what occurred with Bumblebee was still awful, the Scout survived it and the only lasting damage were unseen scars and mental trauma brought forth from guilt.

"You cannot evaluate your actions or lack thereof. Applying logic to chaos is a futile endeavor. The only thing you can do is work in the now."

Optimus shifted his weight a small amount then, his mass easing back as he settled into place. With this, his helm eased up, the decisive tones remaining just as strong as he took on a bit more command behind his words. Perhaps a bit of a challenge muddled in the deepest parts of his tone, digging down pointedly to try to kindle the fire within Bumblebee that had dissolved to weakened embers. The soldier before him was stronger than that, determined, holding power that surpassed the stature of his frame. A determined individual that for so many millennia has heaved forward with zeal and might.

"Tell me Bumblebee. How long will you allow the disease to best you?"

[Bumblebee]

--I know, I just- it feels like no matter how much I say it, I can’t get across just how bad I feel and how sorry I am. Even with the forgiveness, even if it wasn’t my fault, something feels missing.--

He wasn’t sure what it was, and was probably just his own processor dwelling on the situation and finding things wrong that weren’t even there. If it were anyone else who was in his position, he was sure they would’ve long since moved on by now and gotten back to normal day-to-day life at the Omega Base. But Bee had avoided any real closure, making things worse in avoiding people instead of just talking to them to clear the air.

He would quietly listen as Optimus spoke, and found himself clinging to the words almost. They helped a lot- then again, they always did. The Prime was so wise, and even though in the grand scheme of things not much had been said, it was exactly what Bumblebee needed to hear.

He did need to try and accept things that’d happened. That it truly was the virus doing those things, and not him. Friendships could be mended, but it was a two-way street - he had to reach out, too. Yet all he’d done was avoid his team to hide away and mope.

He’d shot Optimus and others at the base, damaged the monitors and punched several holes in several walls - yet nobody was angry at him. There was no malice in Optimus’ words, there was a strength in his words that Bee listened to, and he’d bob his helm to show he was listening.

‘The only thing you can do is work in the now’

That last part seemed to strike something within him, and he’d tilt his helm some, optics whirring gently as they focused. He’d been dwelling so much on the past and what’d happened that he hadn’t really been able to move forward. He’d been so worried about everyone’s thoughts on what he did, yet had not really spoken to anyone to find out.

The question that was asked of him made him avert his gaze, optics peering down at the floor as he shuffled his pede against the dusty earth once more.

--I don’t know, but I feel like it’s gone on for long enough, huh?-- his beeps quiet as he glanced up sadly. He wasn’t sure what he needed to do - but Optimus was absolutely right, he had to focus on the now, look to the future ahead and stop dwelling.

--How do I stop myself dwelling? Surely you’ve done things during this war that you worry about, how do you get over that?--

Optimus had so many years on Bumblebee, so many experiences and lessons he had learned- whereas Bee hadn’t had to lead a faction or had to make any life-changing decisions that could alter the outcome for many a thing. He was such a small part in this war and almost insignificant in a way, yet this was consuming him - and had for too long.

[Optimus Prime]

Optimus watched calmly as Bumblebee picked through his thoughts and expressed how no apology seemed to feel satisfying. The feeling that something was missing was an easy trap to fall into, and it most certainly was something he could sympathize with it. It differed from person to person, event to event... there was no specific thing he could offer to help, rather than suggest a few alternatives to try to alleviate the ache it brought. Alas, the conversation shifted ahead and he focused in on the fact Bumblebee at least appeared to see reason in his words for a brief moment.

The Prime wanted to kindle Bumblebee's spirits up should he be able to do so, an action that appeared to work as the Scout lifted his helm and focused in. This was good to see, Optimus' own helm raising a small amount with a sense of being proud the mech before him made such a leap in how he thought of things. However, this seemed to dissolve a second later, a shuffle at the ground conveying uncertainty or shame to Optimus.

Then a rather straightforward question was dropped.

Optimus gradually pulled in a vent at this, thinking over what was asked, considering what path he needed to take to answer. He had to guide carefully given how uncertain Bumblebee seemed, not wishing to set him up for some kind of failure. With this, he let the air slide out between his vents, gaze softening.

"Like the grief of loss, regret has a way of lingering."

Somber words.

"There is no simple fix or cure."

So many years Optimus let his own regrets and frustration at past failures eat away at him. So many lost beneath his command, so many deaths and so very much pain... He looked back through his memories and could see his past life and experiences being slowly overshadowed by the War and all the nightmares that came with it. He had to set it aside, try to put it down and move on. While he would always harbor remorse and hold painful memories with the clarity of hindsight, he did his best to not let it corrupt who he was now and how he had to help those he could to not feel the same.

"Accept what is done is done."

Quiet words sourced from eons of experience, a mild sadness in his eyes.

"Time will numb the ache. New memories will overshadow the old."

Life had so much more left to offer, and with how short a human's life expectancy was, he knew every moment had to be cherished between Bumblebee and his closest friend.

"The more you do with Rafael, the less significant this event will feel."

[Bumblebee]

There was a gentle shifting of weight as Optimus began speaking, but even despite the gradual movement, Bumblebee’s gaze did not leave that of the Prime. His stare and focus was not intent, but he was simply looking to Optimus for guidance like he had done so many times before.

The Prime’s words were somber and yet- strangely hard to hear. He’d been expecting some kind of fix for this, and yet there wasn’t one. There was no easy way out, there was no magic sentence or phrase that would immediately change Bumblebee’s way of thinking and get him out of this mentality he’d gotten himself into.

Yet even despite this, they helped. It was probably because of who the words were coming from, knowing that behind the simplicity of the words was a lifetime of experience. Maybe that was where Bee was going wrong. He’d dealt with loss, pain, even sadness and sorrow - but guilt like this? Never. He’d expected the feelings to go away with the forgiveness and acceptance from others, but they hadn’t.

So he’d shrank in on himself, trying to work through it which only had him dwelling further and becoming harder to get through to. But… Optimus was absolutely right. There was no fix, there was no cure. No easy way out like he’d been waiting for.

The sadness behind Optimus’ optics was not lost on Bee, and his own showed a similar remorse. Despite this, he would nod. A confident nod, and he straightened his posture some.

Time would numb the ache, but so much time had already passed. He just had to trust in Optimus, just as Optimus trusted in him. He’d try to cling to those words, knowing in moments when the guilt became overwhelming he could think back on what the Prime had said.

Another nod at the mention of Rafael, and his processor thought back to last night with Carbine, Raf and the fireworks. He’d been so sulky early in the evening and Carbine had reached out to do something nice, and had gotten Raf involved too, all without Bee knowing - which made it all the more special. In those moments he’d forgotten about everything that’d gone on, and just enjoyed spending time with Raf (and Carbine, too!) - something that they so desperately needed to do.

--You’re right, thank you...-- he started, his beeps quiet - and there was a gradual shift in his posture. Where he’d been rather downcast, there was a newfound flicker of determination - his servos curling into loose fists at his sides.

--I think- I think the more I do in general will be good. If I stay busy then that will help, right?--

He was sure there would be times where the guilt would overwhelm him again, but this time rather than letting it drown him, he would try to stay focused on other things. To keep moving forward, rather than dwelling and to reach out for help rather than hiding away. The conversation with Optimus had been so very brief and yet it’d done so much.

He wasn’t sure how he would keep busy all the time, but surely there were things around the base that would be enough of a distraction.

[Optimus Prime]

"Left to your own thoughts, they will naturally shift back to uncomfortable times."

Silence, TRUE silence with nothing to distract an individual's mind with as they try to shift gears into recharge... it could be a dark time as thoughts drift back to more unpleasant events. A judgement call that ended poorly, the loss of a comrade on the battlefield... the hurt feelings or distress of others... Thinking about just WHAT could have gone differently, what could have been done to make things end up any other way. It wasn't a great mental plane to be in, and Optimus didn't want Bumblebee to continue to flow in a state of limbo, trapped in a loop of sadness and remorse.

"There is much that can be done within the Outpost should you seek it out."

So many options available.

There was indeed a task that Optimus could ask of him at this moment to give him an instant goal, something to set him upon a path to focus on. That said, he refrained from bringing it up at this moment. To do so could put a tarnished gray haze upon this entire encounter. The intent of seeking Bumblebee down was not to set him straight then assign him a job, it truly was meant to encourage him and try to pull him out of the rut he had fallen into. Give him a helping hand to wrench from a pit of despair and difficulty. Approaching about a specific task would need to come later, that is, unless Bumblebee specifically asked at this moment for a position that he could fill.

Should his Scout step forth and reach for a job, there were a few that Optimus could offer in turn. A path to guide. However, such a conversation would need to be fielded by the other mech, jumpstarted, for he would not do so on his own accord given the circumstances.

Optimus did not seek out others to cheer them up, simply because he needed something of them.

"The main thing to focus upon, is the path forward. Keep moving, keep going, and things will work out."

Reassuring, comforting. Optimus was pleased to see this interaction was working out well, and than Bumblebee was not collapsing under the strain and mild confrontation. The young Scout was strong, determined... and Optimus knew such an individual was merely trampled down for a moment. Whatever the case, his gaze lifted away then to the area around them, evaluating the targets and looking upon the roadway once again with care.