Mud. Why did it have to be mud. (Open)

[Deleted]

[Takes place directly after Good Ol' Fashioned Mexican Standoff.]

The groundbridge irised open and the Abominable Mudman stepped out of the light.

Rook stalked out of the nowhere of the groundbridge and into the Autobot base control room. He was brown from head to pede. There was gravel dripping after his every step. His shoulder burned like acid etching. There was something frozen and grinding into every seam and joint he could name, and a few he hadn't known he had.

"Say something." He didn't know who was in the room, but the spook's tone was a warning, his field so tightly controlled the very absence of anger was an indication of how tired and truly angry he was. "Say something. I dare you. I still have knives on me."

Without another word, without waiting to see if someone took him up on the offer, Rook set about making a beeline for the washracks, muttering stiffly under his metaphorical breath. "Slagging fragging slagaft... "

[Deleted]

The base was falling under one of those dreaded moments Miko feared with her very life...there was nothing to do. Even Jack and Raf were busy with family or social needs that got in the way of more exciting things. At least Jack had given up on trying to ask that girl out, the slightly popular and above Jack's social level one. Miko couldn't quite remember her name but thought it probably had to do something with a state. Jack wasn't exactly a Casanova and his attempts at getting her attention while awkwardly leading a double life were painful. He would make a terrible super hero.

Video games weren't even that exciting when there was no one to play them against and Bee wasn't around. Ratchet refused to look at her after she'd blown out the fuse on the left side of the room. How was she to know her guitar's speaker was faulty? She was just about to give up and go take a nap or something when a ground bridge opened up with the noisy crackle that had a nearly Pavlovian effect on her. She jumped up from her supine position on the couch and peeked over the back, across the yellow bars from the human perch, to the floor below. What walked through defied description. So naturally, she reached for her phone and snapped a pic with a very loud click in the otherwise quiet room.

"That one is a keeper." She didn't really think he'd throw a knife at her. It was against the rules, right?

[Deleted]

In her off-time, Electrocap had been exploring the base.

It was huge. When she’d downloaded the schematics the minicon had actually whistled. The main missile bunker, now the Control Room, was the heart of the complex, connected to an unlikely number of rooms with an impossible array of hallways and tunnels. Mapping the ventilation system in and of itself had been so much fun. She’d already finished the south wing, and was now focusing on the north-eastern corner. Today she’d found a rat nest in the vent between two of the storage cupboards, with five little pups squirming around their plump mothership. Awwwww. Not so good for the wiring, but she didn’t have the spark to report it. There wasn’t much that was essential in the way of electronics down there anyways. And as organic as the planet was, there was no force between Earth and Cybertron that’d ever keep them out. Not that she’d be the one to break the news to Ratchet and Red.

Done for the day, she walked past the Control Room, stretching out the kinks in her backstrut. Maybe she’d watch a movie when she got back to her quarters. She still had a few crosswords to catch up on too. But the sound of an unfurling rip between two points in the fourth dimension made her backtrack.

And there it was. A mudbeast, in the form of an Autobot. A strange grating squelch came from every step, as though a riverbed’s worth of stones were lodged in each pede. From somewhere up on the platform, a camera clicked. Electrocap didn't blame Miko in she slightest. She'd already taken about twenty stills herself.

A strange sound whined out of Electrocap's vocaliser on a subsonic level, before it was wrestled into a cough. Then a loud series of coughs. Politely, she cleared her throat, fist rapping on her chestplates to disrupt the blockage that’d suddenly lodged itself there.

“Hi Rook,” she said, the perfect image of completely schooled neutrality. “How was patrol?”

[Deleted]

Click.

Rook froze midstep. He turned towards the sound with the slow, solemn menace usually reserved for looming icebergs and teetering avalanches. He locked onto the phone on the human's - Miko's hand with an ice-chip look and wondered if he could put a knife through the thrice-slagged thing without hitting her or spraying mud everywhere, since he'd likely be tasked to clean it to begin with. Pretty sure he cou-

"Hi Rook. How was patrol?"

And there were any hope for anonymity, or dignity, the spook could have hoped for. He hadn't seen much of the minibot but, if she was anything like the scarce few he was familiar with, the news of his mud-encrusted arrival would be about the entire base before he even reached the washracks. At least she'd managed not to laugh. Almost.

He ran his hands down his front and flicked them to the side. Casual as the gesture may seem, it still achieved the goal of directing some of the icy slush towards both of the parties snooping on him, and why not? He'd be the one cleaning the mess anyways. With that done, he resumed stalking onwards, voice so tightly controlled it was coming out in peculiar little clips. "What. Does it. Look like?"

[Deleted]

A lifetime (all fifteen years of it) had taught Miko when to dodge an incoming projectile. While she'd not managed to make any of the Autobots angry enough to throw something at her before, Wreckers not included, she had annoyed fellow human beings more than enough. She'd once been pegged in the head with a dry marker eraser by a teacher. So this mud slinging was not really a surprise. With a muffled chortle, she'd flattened herself against the couch cushions and listened to the slush hit the back of the couch with a wet slap. The glare had given the attack away.

As glares went, this Autobot had a fairly decent one. (For the life of her she couldn't remember his name. She knew it had something ironic to do with chess. Because his name had amused Raf and he was nerdy life that.) Back to the glare: this scowl wasn't that scary. Optimus Prime had the scariest glare she had been subjected to so far. Mostly because it was so like a parent being disappointed at a favored child. Just yuck! Not even her real parents could have cowed her with a frown. Miko fully believed the Big O.P. used that glower as a weapon on the battlefield. Serious Face was a deadly weapon to be feared.

This Autobot (Bishop? Pawn?)would probably be 100% scarier if he weren't covered in smelly mud. Now that the temperate bunker was starting to thaw the ice, swamp gas started to perfume the area. Either someone needed to febreeze stat or Ratchet was going to have a kitten. Which he was going to do anyway, but it was either listen to his old man gripe with clean air or while choking on rotten vegetation. And that wasn't even counting in Red Alert's presence.

"That smells really bad, dude." She peeked over the back of the couch and eyed the swamp monster and waved to the smaller Autobot. She knew the femme's name. Mostly because it was something cool. Unlike Rook, which she finally remembered. Named after the piece in the board game she never really used or understood. Strategy wasn't really her thing.

[Deleted]

Electrocap had vorns of experience when it came to dodging missiles, but unfortunately for her, the downward angle made Rook’s intent all too effective. Though she dodged a sizable nugget of strata, tiny drops of primordial muck from its tail was flicked all across her front.

Lovely.

Wearing an expression that could only be described as ‘Ugh,’ Electrocap wiped the few stray spots out of her optics before wiping her hands down her face. When they passed over her olfactory sensors, she immediately pulled them away in horror.

‘Phwoah! I dunno mech, but whatever you rolled in, it died a long, long time ago.’

Rubbing her hands fitfully over her sides to scrub out that stench, it suddenly occurred to Electrocap that Rook was not in the best of moods to be hearing that sort of comment. She didn’t know much about the spook, but only because he was so typical of his profession that he didn’t do much of the sociable, team player gig outside of work hours. Like, at all. Which EC thought was kinda sad, and lonely. And now he’d been sprung coming back from a mission that looked like it’d taken one hell of a dump on any carefully laid plans.

There was still time for her to turn this around.

‘Though, on second thought, you could…be…marketing a new chassis-care treatment using only native alternatives?’

She grinned.

‘If that’s the case, then mech, I am proud. An entrepreneurial spark like yours is an asset to any organisation. I won’t lie, the smell’s a little…exotic, like being smacked in the face with a bag of dead racoons, but a lot of the human stuff smells pretty rancid as well, so you’ve really nailed it there.’

She looked up at the empty railing. ‘Right, Miko?’

[Deleted]

Rook took no pleasure in hitting either of his targets with the thawing silt. He might have, if he weren't himself entirely coated on the stuff outside, and partially coated in it inside, but at the moment just making them duck was enough.

And then Miko had drawn exquisite attention to the utter misery he was wearing, and Electrocap had started offering her own, apparent version of... what? Comfort? Praise? Rook wasn't sure and didn't care; he was busier reminding himself that picking either of them up and shaking them until things fell out would be a Bad Thing. Reports would be involved, lots of them. Double-duty scrubbing the guts of the base might show up on his schedule.

It was almost worth it, though. Oh, almost.

"I know", he ground out tightly. "I can smell it. I'm the one who fell in it." Immediately, he regretted saying anything. There would be questions; at least before they didn't know anything about what might or might not have happened, but given even the faintest hope of a ghost of a glimmer of insight, Rook had the distinct feeling they'd pin him down faster than he could flick a knife. "I am trying to get a wash. If you want that bad to know what happened you'd have to follow me there."

And once again, and altogether belatedly, he realized he shouldn't have said that, either. Because he was pretty sure neither of them gave a slag-aft-all if they hounded him all the way to the half-walled washrack and squeezed every word out of him by sheer willpower.

He walked on, trying not to fume or talk or do anything that the two might misconstrue as the metaphorical blood in the water. Really, why had he gotten out of bed that day at all?

[Deleted]

"The only thing that crud is going to do is strip the paint off." For a fact, Miko had no idea if mud could dissolve paint. It sure smelled like it could. But she knew better uses for that nasty stuff!

Giving a sly grin to Electrocap, Miko didn't hesitate to climb down from the platform and hurry after Rook. Behind his back she gestured for the femme to follow. She needed someone to rescue her in case the mech finally snapped. And she liked Electrocap. They shared some key points of interest. Namely they were both fun and always exploring new avenues of adventure. Sure.

At one time she did hesitate to go near the washracks. There was something taboo about watching an Autobot wash themselves. Miko would have brained someone senseless with her guitar if they'd come near her bathroom when she was taking a shower. Even if it was an entirely different matter.

"Of course I want to know. But more importantly, can you get more of that stuff? I think I got an idea..." As always, the most foreboding of events often followed such words. But Miko thought herself a genius this time. She really had a good plan.

[Deleted]

“Okay,” she shrugged. No worries. That’s cool. Not like you didn’t leave an opening big enough for a shuttleformer to walk through. BOOM.

The minicon turned when the mud-spy walked over her, splattering clods of earth like a vile-smelling raincloud. Her carefully cultivated field of noncommittment splintered into a thousand tiny pieces when she saw Miko summon her over. The call was answered with a conspirational wink, and she bounded right after them before falling into step with the human, her hands clasped low behind her back in the most innocent way.

It’s not that Electrocap had any favourites in the base’s resident kids, but Miko, in a word, was fragging awesome. With her punk rock, woman-of-action attitude and the self-assured way she seized life by its bearings, there wasn’t anything not be impressed by as far as she was concerned. Though, the one thing that annoyed her was that they couldn’t privately comm. any of the humans. She’d have to tell her about the nitroglycerin later, when responsible mechs like Rook weren’t around.

Oh, but another opportunity seemed to be about to present itself. Electrocap quirked an optical ridge, a smile slowly spreading across her features as she regarded Miko. “Mmm? And what might that be?”

[Deleted]

"Oh, yes." Rook's voice was nothing if not absolutely controlled. "Because I want to be the one to give you any sort of trouble-making tool that can be traced back to me. If you want more of... are you seriously following me?!" He half turned to look at them, though it did not stop him from moving.

He wasn't scandalized. The taboo that humans had about personal hygiene was their hang-up, not Rook's. Even if he'd had such a thing, nothing short of the Decepticon presence on the planet launching an all-out assault on the base would have kept him from the washrack. Maybe.

Mostly, he was boggled. Just how boring had life at the base gotten that he, mud-covered though he might be, was the primary entertainment to be found? Miko had collected enough "video" games to while away hours, possibly even days in front of the screen, surely. And Electrocap always seemed to hang out with the high-energy crowd. What, was everyone napping but these two?

Primus help him.

He sighed in resignation. "If you want any mud, I'm dropping plenty behind me," he offered with the most deadpan of tones. "Don't expect me to help beyond that, and if you get in trouble, I will leave you to hang without batting an optic. Both of you."

The washrack Rook had in mind was... crude. Pipes. Containment walls. Sluice drain. But it had pressure, and it was nearby; he already had enough of an entourage without adding to a problem that, he was sure, was going to come back to bite him in the aft despite any claim of innocence he might make.

He didn't bother to ask what Miko had in mind - she was not the kind to keep it to herself, anyways, not when a willing audio (coughaccomplicecough) was right at hand and eager to be let in on the plan. Whether he wanted to or not, he'd hear about it, which would make him an accomplice in the optics of plenty of parties at the base. Willingness would be a moot point after the mud had serve the human's purposes.

He was going to wash up, get to his berth, and hope like Pit that it would be enough to convince the day to end, because he was done with it. Once he wrote his report on it, perhaps he could even erase it and all its indignities from memory...

[Deleted]

"Aww, come on! Think of the damage we could do with that stuff! I'd love to hit that creepticon doc of theirs right in the face." Granted, she didn't know a whole lot about the red mech named Knockout but from what little she'd seen, she knew he wasn't a stand up dude. And his vanity was chafing to her delicate sensibilities.

"Don't you think this crud would be valuable asset to combat application?" And with that pleading appeal to Electrocap, Miko had used her allotment of large words for the week. "Besides, you're making more of a mess of the base than I ever could!"

This time she made sure to try and duck behind the femme lest the mech throw something else at her.

[Deleted]

Electrocap did a double-take.

“Me?” Both the syllable and the hand pressed over her spark were incredulously baffled. “I’m covered in the same sh-sh…”

Her optics glowed brighter. BIG s-word.

Redaction.

“…shhhorganic fecal matter as you are, mech.”

Sometimes she forgot that not all younglings were built and reared in the barracks but, thankfully, she saved the moment just in the nick of time. Now Miko would only think she had some static caught in her vocaliser, and none of this would ever get back to Bulkhead.

Or – Primus forbid – Nurse Darby.

Despite all highly-throttled murderous fields to the contrary, Rook was being an incredible sport. Even though he was tired, cold and caked in the most ungodly filth, he was walking at a pace that the two more diminutive lifeforms could keep up with at a brisk power-walk.

Electrocap could see these facts. She could hold them up to the light and examine them against the strictures of empathy. But a mudmech simply did not come along and interrupt the military routine they lived by every day. This was an opportunity that was much bigger than him. Electrocap was in the mood to see what switch needed to be tripped to make Rook flip out of his perfect Spec Ops cool and go on an almost-killing spree.

He should’ve taken her polite attempts at consolation when he had the chance.

“Not that it’s a competition or anything, but you’re definitely following US to the washracks.” Her glyphs flounced with the airs of a spoiled Towers socialite. “You’re just out in front ‘cause your stride’s bigger.”

“And you know, Miko, I think you’re absolutely ri– wait, what?!” Electrocap's head whipped around at the sudden flurry of movement. Was Miko trying to use her as a shield? That little sneak!

The minicon wiped her hand through a large splatter of mud on her chest, holding it high as she whirled around. There was a dangerous gleam in her optics.

“Oh ho-ho, no. I don't think so." She began to slowly advance. "We need more testing first!”

[Deleted]

Rook threw Electrocap the swiftest, most loaded glance he could toss while still trying to be discreet about it. Humans had very particular rules about what you did and didn't do, what you said and didn't say, what you taught and didn't teach their younglings. He'd be the first one to say that they weren't particularly reasonable rules, but they were the rules nonetheless, and the aggravation that usually followed when you mucked with them just was not worth it.

Fortunately the Minicon had figured that out as well. Thank goodness for small mercies.

"It's not. It's swamp gas, silt, and decomposing organic matter." His tone was still fairly clipped. He didn't want to know what he was covered with, not exactly and certainly not in as much detail as he already did. He could have listed mixed-in components beginning with gravel and ending with slag-this, but that would do nothing except egg them on. "And if you're leading, I should let you have first crack, no? I'll be sure to point the hose at both of you. Cold as it first comes out."

He sighed, wiping at his faceplates for the nth time with what little part of his hand was still clean. Ish. "I know I'm making a mess. I will be cleaning as soon as I'm clean. If you don't have your combat application samples by them, you'll be out of luck." He was waiting to see if they started stuffing the vile ooze anywhere down each other's spinal arrays or something. That would at least keep them from driving him to further despair...

[Deleted]

Bleh! Miko liked to pride herself on putting one hundred percent into everything she did or thought. And right at the moment, she was one hundred and ten percent sure she didn't want that gunk on her. Not only did it stink, it also looked like it was full of...things. And stuff.

"You can't test that on me! It was my idea!" She hastily backed away, careful not to slip in the snail trail left by Rook. That was all she needed, to fall on her butt in front of them. She'd never live that one down. She looked up at Rook with the largest, puppiest eyes she could possibly pull off without giving herself a face cramp. (Which was totally possible. Probably.) "Come on, help me out!"