Ep 0 - "Somniloquy" - Closed

[Deleted]

Shadowrunner and Ironhide ground bridged back to find the control room in chaos, Ratchet at the heart of it yelling at an enormous mech Shadow had never seen before. Voices were raised and EMFs were flaring hot with post-battle emotion, slamming into Shadow's already raw systems like hitting a wall at a hundred miles an hour.

Shadow stopped just past the ground bridge horizon, aching and suddenly exhausted, and let the larger mech continue without her. All she wanted was

(a handful of familiar fields wrapped cool around her, the soothing press of familiar frames, the soft whirr-chirp of Basic)

peace and quiet and a few hours of recharge. Everything else - the dirt ground into joints and scraping in transformation seams, the damage Barricade had done her inside and out - could wait, she decided. Ratchet could yell at her tomorrow as easily as tonight, and Ironhide slagging well better be able to spin up a reasonable story for what had happened with Barricade.

A quick glance around the room to place everyone, to make sure no one was paying her any particular attention amidst everything else that was going on; another few moments to determine that, no, none of this involved Blaster reporting on just what he had come upon in the desert; and she slipped out of the control room and into the corridors leading to everyone's quarters. The ring of her steps against the reinforced concrete floor was enough to redouble the pounding inside her helm; the spectrum of the industrial lighting hit her optics in all the wrong ways.

Her quarters were blessedly quiet and dark. Nothing at all to aggravate the residual feedback symptoms.

Nothing to distract her from the demons in her own processor.

[Deleted]

Part of the darkness broke away from the rest, taking on an electromagnetic solidity, a familiar frequency inhabiting the room as that feeling curled around her, sliding into and syncing with long-time ease to the flux and pitch off her frame. There was a weight to the presence, a solidarity and a pressure so real the fact there were no facial features to speak of, no optic light in the dark, nor hum of gears and hydraulics didn’t matter. It was an arm around her shoulders and a voice in her audio, smiling and warm.

“Hey, Shadow.” A hum, like a laugh. “You look like you’re running on empty.”

Labyrinth’s voice had always been that deep, easy reverb, laconic with interest during those rare moments when he wasn’t all business, running them ragged and demanding the world of his team because they were, literally, the best Autobot spec opcs had to offer. It was too dark to see him properly… but that shadow was there and the voice and that was all she needed. Her CO was real and as every time before when she needed to break – he was there to put her back together and her on her pedes. Just like always.

“What’s the matter, soldier?”

[Deleted]

What was wrong? It was all wrong, being here, being alone, so many things that they tangled together, choking her vocalizer until all that emerged was a sobbing laugh. You're gone, that's what's wrong, she thought, the words kept locked inside her processor because he was right there, holding her up, EMF as sure and solid and familiar as her own. She leaned into that support, vents cycling raggedly.

"Barricade." The name came out a moan, a pulse of physical pain, as if speaking it had shattered something not easily repaired. "Everyone...everyone, Lab. He got to all of them, he showed me what he did..."

Her voice rose, tone pitched toward panic, and she choked it off, because even now, even with her processor screaming they're all dead and he dumped it in my head and I can't stop seeing it she knew to walk the line, knew the things not to say (I can't do this alone I can't I need you please) and the emotions not to admit to (lost, scared, defeated). The panic flared up in her field, though, in spite of her best efforts to contain it, flickered and danced and finally died out against the rock-solid steadiness of his.

"He's dead," she said when she dared speak again, her voice hollowed out like her spark. "He's dead, but I," failed, "couldn't break him, and it doesn't help, and I don't know what else I can do. I need you...I need you to tell me what to do."

[bumblebee]

“Shhhh, stoppit, Shadow.” The weight became more substantial, an arm around her tightening gently and pullingher close, the pulse of a steady EM field wrapping her and isolating her. “He’s dead. You ripped him apart perfectly. That Decepticon glitch died uglier than any of us. You took everything from him body and soul and mind and you know it’s true. You didn’t limit yourself and you found like-minded mechs to achieve it, broke taboo for us to make him pay and that is why I’m proud of you. You always put your family first, Shadowrunner.”

Outside the door there was a soft chirp-whirr, a vocal query in Basic for entry but too quiet to penetrate the low, idling engine purr of Labyrinth’s voice, a subsonic frequency penetrating the intell-bot’s every frequency. “You did good, Shadow… you finished my last mission for you. You’ve stopped Barricade and everything will be fine now. You don’t have any other objectives.”

‘Shadowrunner?’

“You’re done, Shadow. There’s nothing else for you to do.”

The door swung tentatively open, a pair of bright blue optics peering through the crack. ‘Shadow, I heard the debrief are you okay?’ There wasn’t an immediate answer so he pushed the door open and peered inside, the dark puzzling him though his other sensors outlined her clearly, just standing there with her back to the door. He whirred uncertainly, moving into the room behind her, not sure if he should touch her. ‘Shadow?’ He reached for her through EMF, his energy moving tentatively to brush hers, like a tap. ‘Are you alright/okay/injured?

[Deleted]

For an eternal moment, Shadow relaxed into Labyrinth's hold, gave up everything to him, her field synchronized and subsumed to his. Peace enveloped her; she was finished, Labyrinth was pleased, everything was fine.

The ache in her spark eased, vanished. She was done.

The gentle tap of a foreign EMF was like a slap. She stumbled, confused, the warmth of Labyrinth's hold fading as she turned toward the light spilling in from the hall, leaving behind bleak emptiness. For a klik, she just stared at the bright yellow mech in the doorway, trying to make sense of the familiar/alien field brushing hers.

Pain and memory rushed in to fill the gap where her spark had been. She stared at Bee a moment longer before looking away.

'It's okay,' she whirred back, the Basic a bittersweet reminder. 'I'm fine.'

[bumblebee]

Bumblebee was unconvinced. He was so unconvinced it hurt. For the nano-kilk as she turned to look at him Shadowrunner hadn’t known him and that blank unfamiliarity had sent a jolt through his spark that left the scout feeling unnerved and very small. He froze for a moment, door wings going rigid… then he noticed there was energon on the floor and swapped optics frequencies. Primus! He beeped loudly with alarm. The whole front of her chassis had been torn up in fistfuls exposing the silvery mess of her endo-structures, the glint of protoform raw and slick beneath the dark outer alloy. Her left arm was torn open and dripping energon, hydraulic lines blown and neural circuits shredded.

‘Primus! Shadow!’ Bee darted forward, catching her torn up arm gently but firmly beneath the elbow and scanning the damage briefly. ‘You’re hurt/damaged/injured! You need a patch kit and a weld! Why didn’t you say anything?’ An edge of panic had run into the chirping beeps of his words, coloring the frenetic pitch of his EMF as he pulled a field patch from his subspace and tried to tug her toward her berth to sit down. ‘Just because Ratchet’s busy doesn’t mean you don’t say anything. Stupid/moron/glitch!’

His schoolyard insults were somewhat spoiled by the quiver of raw concern in his every word. He looked her in the optics with baffled incomprehension. ‘Why didn’t you say anything?’

[Deleted]

Shadow wanted to be angry over the interruption, over the way Bee rushed in and grabbed her, sending spikes of pain through the ruined neural nets in her arm. She just didn't have the energy for it, and after a nano-klik the impulse vanished. Besides, Bumblebee's worry was palpable, coloring the tones of his Basic, his EMF spiking and shuddering with it, and it was impossible not to respond to that...even if he was chirping insults at her the whole time.

'I'm fine,' she repeated stubbornly, even as she let him pull her toward the berth. 'Don't fuss at me. I came in here to avoid getting yelled at, that's all.'

Bumblebee looked at her, worry as obvious in his optics as it was in his field, and she ex-vented wearily. With her free arm, she caught him and pulled him closer, leaning her helm against his. 'It just looks bad/serious/ugly and hurts like the Pit, Bee. It's nothing that can't wait until I've had enough recharge to deal with...Ratchet.'

Briefly, she offlined her optics, let his EMF wash over and around her, and pretended it was more familiar than it was. She wished she could explain to him that there was no point in wasting repairs on her, but she didn't think he'd understand.

[bumblebee]

Bee chirped quietly, EMF receding to a more controlled wobble of worry, bumping up against the periphery of her energy field. He bumped his helm against hers, that contact transmission of frequency between them like a smile or a touch or a promise… or at least it should have been. Shadowrunner spoke her piece but the pitch of her sub-vocalization was off and there was something tucked in the static hum of her hydraulic lines, the hiss of gears and gyros that sent an uneasy ripple through the scout-bot. She was just damaged and Barricade… Bumblebee looked up at her, a million questions buzzing jut behind the bright blue of his optics.

What happened? Why is Ray dead? Did Blaster really hack Barricade? Why did any of this happen and what do I do now?

But he didn’t say any of that, he just focused on adroitly and carefully patching the bleeders, twisting fuel lines shut until Ratchet finished putting League back together and she could get a proper weld. Bee’s small, black fingers fished carefully for leaks, his hands soon slick with energon and coolant. He hummed quietly while he worked, a low, lulling note across his plates. ‘I’ll stay with you,’ he whirred.

[Deleted]

Shadow watched Bee work. Patching each other up - on every level - was something the Lucky Thirteen had always done for each other (no outsiders involved, not even medics if Labyrinth could avoid it). It was easy to drift off as she watched Bee working, forget where she was and what had happened until a bump or a tug brought her back to the present, reminded her that the mech working as carefully and intently as family was yellow and black rather than any of the colors she was used to.

'I'll stay with you.'

Until Bee spoke, she hadn't realized she didn't want him to leave. Now something in her relaxed, thanks rippling through her field. 'I'm glad you came. And I'm sorry I snapped at you. I'm just...tired.' Grief bubbled up, slid into her EMF before she could stop it. 'Really, really tired.'

[bumblebee]

‘We’re all tired,’ Bee murmured, turning Shadow’s wrist rotor over in his palm and gingerly touching a bar hydraulic line, still intact despite the ruin of her arm. Barricade’s serrated fingers must have massive hydraulic power to tear through armor like this but… what had he been tearing out? I looked like he’d gone for some very specific mechanism inside her arm but it hadn’t been her gunnery systems. He looked up at her, a low, worried whirr in the gylphs of his voice. ‘But… but that’s not what you mean. Is it?

Bumblebee was… well, he was familiar with complete annihilation in terms of grief. He could still feel – though he did not want to – the spark shattering shrapnel shred of his gestalt dying and his thoughts unraveling in loss that was physical agony climbing a pitch to stark raving madness. He was out of commission for nearly a vorn before the medics felt safe bringing him online to tell him everything would be different. Forever. There was no taking it back, undoing it, and he had to live with it. He was certain that he only stayed online as long as he did because of the mechanisms in his unit, willing to hang onto him despite the crush of war killing everyone around them. It was… unacceptable when everyone else was dying in battle to let their scout die in the barracks.

‘Shadow… what aren’t you telling us?’

[Deleted]

'There are a lot of things I'm not telling you,' Shadow said, a swift-dying ghost of humor coloring her words. 'Keeping secrets...that's what we do, isn't it?'

She wondered, briefly, just what Ironhide and Blaster had said when they were debriefed; she'd have to find out, make sure they all had their stories straight.

'I went back to where I first crashed,' she said after a moment, watching Bumblebee carefully examine her arm. She didn't think he realized what Barricade had torn out, and she wondered if Ratchet would question the damage when he saw it. She tried to tell herself it was nothing, simply one less problem to deal with, because it made no sense to ache over the loss of the one weapon she had truly despised having at her disposal, no sense to remember the hours Labyrinth had spent painstakingly integrating it with her systems, making sure the shielding was flawless, his touch on her arm as he...

Bee was staring at her once more, optics bright with concern, and she realized she'd wandered.

'It wasn't my ship. I'd always assumed it was.' She rebooted her vocalizer with a soft whirr of pain. 'It was Relay's.' She couldn't hold back the glyphs that wrapped the name, for brother and family, for pain and loss. 'His body...Barricade had left it in the ship. What was left of it.'

She was lost again, remembering the shattered frame; she could easily believe he had begged for death by the end. She wished she had had the luxury of time to break Barricade that far, to make him beg for the mercy she was past feeling.

'They're all dead. I remembered when I saw Relay.' She didn't add that Barricade had shown her the deaths, in all their gruesome detail; that would raise questions she couldn't answer. 'I was the last one back to the ship. Barricade had just finished with them when I walked in. It was...' She broke off, letting the pain and horror in her EMF elaborate for her. 'He'd come in on Relay's ship and left it unsecured. That's the only reason I got away from him. That, and the fact Relay was a paranoid glitch with about six redundant weapon systems on separate power supplies.' Her vocalizer crackled, a static hiss of pain, as she added softly, 'I wish he'd been around to see how well that setup worked.'

[bumblebee]

The stray variables snapped into place then and suddenly everything made more sense – Shadow’s ragged EMF waves, the strange blankness in her stares, the silence and the rage he’d been attributing to the simple stress of the Decepticons’ latest bid for Autobot annihilation. Her viciousness toward Sniper in the medical bay that went beyond simple tactical distaste for a Decepticon signia switcher and seemed intimately personal – a blank understanding hit the scout like a half ton of steele to the cranial case, a cold front terminating through his spark chamber.

‘Barricade,’ said Bumblebee softly. He slaughtered her cohort, her family and Bee understood physically the scope of this horror, what she’d been bearing in perfect secret and somehow not going completely insane. Or maybe this was a shade of insanity born out of shell-shock and duty – to push on through the final mission just to make the loss mean something. I will live long enough to see this through. Bumblebee knew that way of thinking, had let it eat at him and drive him for centuries, a self perpetuating machine moving only to make it worth it and it never ever would be worth it…

Bee had his servos on Shadow’s shoulders before he thought to do it, his helm pressed against her, his EMF laid open like a scar split in battle – the hot rush of grief and regret and physical agony for his friend’s loss. He synced instantly to the frequency of her sorrow because he had so long lived with its wavelength. ‘I’m sorry, Shadowrunner. Primus, I’m so sorry.’

[Deleted]

Shadow leaned into Bee's hold, into the embrace of an EMF that sync'd to hers as if he knew her better than he had any right to, sliding easily into the gaps and broken places. Shared grief and a sub sonic buzz of fear/worry aimed squarely at her, raw emotion with nothing soothing or easy about it...and yet it helped, anchored her here and now.

'Do you need to go back/will they come looking for you?' she asked, her EMF's anxious pitch reshaping the tones' meaning closer to an outright plea for him to stay.

[bumblebee]

‘They don’t need/can’t have me,’ Bee retorted, his tone terse with resolution. He cycled his optics off, relying on sensors to map the shape and frequency of the other Bot across from him, direct contact conducting the subtle pitch of her directly into his own frame, until they were perfectly attuned to one another. Bee wasn’t thinking about it, so he did not notice, but the dull processor ache he’d been ignoring since Megatron brought his wrecked gestalt protocols online – it vanished.

Everyone needed someone right now. Blue was hurt – ou needed Ironhide. Dipper would be scared. Sniper was locked in a closet. The kids were terrified and June would be too. League and Bulkhead needed Ratchet. Fowler, Arcee, and Velocity needed Optimus to tell them how to organize the next attack. And they all needed Blaster to decode that failsafe. That left Bee; but Bumblebee already knew there wasn’t anywhere on the fragging base that he really needed to be right now.

‘I’m not going any where.’

[Deleted]

Bee's certainty was more than words; it resonated through Shadow with the full force of their synchronized fields, loud enough to drown out Barricade's whispers (make it thirteen of thirteen), loud enough even to drown out Labyrinth's promises (You don’t have any other objectives. You’re done, Shadow. There’s nothing else for you to do.). Bumblebee wasn't going anywhere, and the tight-woven unity of their every frequency meant that, for the moment at least, Shadow didn't want to go anywhere either.

Instead she leaned into him, granted him the kind of absolute trust she had never given anyone outside of her original unit, and let his presence ease the spark deep ache inside her.